Feb. 3, 2012, Miami, FL — In the face of mounting opposition by many religious leaders, President Obama today defended his administration's decision to force churches to provide birth control, abortion drugs and sterilization to employees.
"It's OK for a church to preach whatever it wants," he said, "but it is against basic American principles for churches to force their views on employees. The Pope, who lives in a foreign country, cannot dictate that workers at Catholic hospitals and schools here in the United States 'multiply and replenish the earth.'
"We already have too many Catholics. They breed like rabbits in Central and South America and even here in this country. I'm determined to do something about the problem, and my health care plan is the solution."
The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) in January gave churches a one-year reprieve from an Obamacare mandate that church's insurance policies cover sterilization and any other federally approved drug or procedure, including those that prevent pregnancy or cause early-term abortions. Co-pays are prohibited if recipients want condoms, IUVs, vasectomies, birth control drugs and abortifacients (drugs that cause early-term abortions). Some Catholic bishops have issued a statement that they will refuse to comply, even if they are jailed for objecting on moral grounds.
"We all know what's coming next in Obamacare," said Father A. Long, president of the Congressional Conference of Catholic Priests (CCCP). "Depending on the results of this year's presidential election, the next step for HHS will be to require coverage for all abortions, including so-called partial birth abortions, and then euthanization without a copay will be farther along."
Proctologist Seymour Butz, President Obama's so-called health care czar, said all American companies and organizations should abide by the same set of rules, and no group should be exempt, regardless of moral objections.
"Decisions regarding health care should be made between citizens and their doctors within the boundaries set by the government," he said, "and no church should get involved in that very private part of our lives."
Dr. Sly Semupp, chairman of the American Abortionists Union, said a doctor's rights to perform abortions should not be restricted.
"If a doctor's conclusion that termination of pregnancy is the wise course of action, even on the day of birth, he and his patient should be permitted to do so," he said. "I applaud President Obama for consistently opposing restrictions on abortions, including partial birth abortions. His wife, Michelle, also has stood by him on this issue."
Allison Wanda Land, president of Free Americans Right to Choose (FARTC), said the president's decision to oppose churches "pretty well wraps up" her group's decision to recognize Obama's efforts by awarding him its quadrennial No-Bull Piece Prize, awarded to Americans who have shown outstanding efforts to defend the rights of women to have fetuses removed in sections.
"We all remember with gratitude when our great leader was the only legislator in Illinois to speak against a bill that would have banned partial-birth abortion," she said.
President Obama's population control czar, Baroque N. Wrauber, said Obamacare could help reduce an ongoing problem of conservative overreplication.
"We all know that with all the undocumented citizens joining our country every day there isn't room for uncontrolled reproduction by existing Americans," he said, "especially by those who tend to vote Republican."
He said Republicans have consistently voted against free choice and noted that not a single Republican voted for Obamacare.
"Fewer Republicans in the country would lead to fewer Republicans in Congress, and that could solve a lot of things," Land said.
Dee Kaye DDS, who was a well-known Hollywood dentist before President Obama named him as director of the Universal Registry of Information Control (URIC), said he has been hard at work preventing the dissemination of negative information about Obamacare.
"The bishops thought they could oppose our great leader," Dr. Kaye said. "Well, we're not going to stand for it. Free speech doesn't apply to religious nut cases who want chaplains to spout their crazy ideas. I got the Army to ban that letter right away."
Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she worked in vain for years to fund a federal program to distribute free condoms to adults and school children, and now she is satisfied that Obamacare will force churches to do the work.
Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.
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