Obama Touts Successes
by Ty Erdmann
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his daily podcast message to high school students today President Barack Obama said he has succeeded beyond the expectations of even his most ardent supporters.
"I don't want to gloat," Obama said, "but even my fans in Hollywood and at MSNBC never thought I could accomplish what I have done in only 16 months."
He went on to list his 12 "major achievements," which he said had put a "derailed America back on the right track." Here is the president's list along with a few words that he had to say about each feat:
1. Increased foreign aid. "Even though polls suggest that 71 percent of Americans want to cut foreign aid, I don't think Americans really want to take scholarships away from students in Egypt or economic development funds from Russia, so we are sending so much money overseas this year that my staff hasn't even been able to count it yet."
2. Raise taxes on the wealthy. "I made $5.5 million last year, so I'm wealthy, and I think we rich people should pay more to the government. Why should rich people be allowed to buy things that poor people can't afford? Most Americans agree with me that it's better for the government to take more money from the rich instead of letting them buy things, hire people, and start new companies that only help them get richer."
3. Health insurance reform. "Even though we didn't get a single Republican vote and nobody read through the whole 1,900 plus pages, we got health insurance reform through Congress. I'm confident that Americans will love the new system. As I've talked to people across the country, I got the sense that people don't mind paying substantially more for health insurance as long it covers their unemployed, chain-smoking, diabetic, couch potato neighbors. And they certainly won't mind waiting in line a few months for doctors."
4. Saved jobs. "I'm proud that we've borrowed almost $1 trillion from China in order to save 1.5 million good government jobs in America. We're hiring 16,000 new IRS agents this year to collect penalties, interest and fines from people who can't afford to buy mandatory health insurance."
5. Bank rescues. "We've rescued several banks that were simply too big to fail by paying off the foreign loan sharks who were trying to collect on their gambling debts. If we hadn't given or loaned $182.5 billion to A.I.G., it might have moved its headquarters to London or back to Shanghai, where the company started."
6. Student loans. "This is another good one we pulled on the Republicans. Man, were they mad when they found out we had put 300,000 greedy loan officers out of a job. It's just not right that private companies should make money off students. If anybody should be making money off students, it should be the government."
7. Foreign relations. "We've put Israel in her place, which will raise our status among Muslims everywhere. We also have improved our relations with Venezuela, Russia, Communist China and Cuba. I hope I get to visit Fidel Castro before he kicks the bucket. I'm a lot taller than him, so don't be surprised if I have to lean way over to greet this hero of socialists everywhere."
8. Union rescue. "We came through with $49.5 billion to save General Motors from bankruptcy. Even though your children and grandchildren will be paying this off for decades, they will thank me for giving them the opportunity to help preserve the retirement and health insurance benefits of thousands of good union voters. We need those voters to prevent Republicans from taking over Congress and reversing everything I've tried to accomplish."
9. Defeat religion. "If the religious right had its way, we would have God on our coins and in our Pledge of Allegiance, religion on TV and a National Prayer Da
y. I refused to take part in National Prayer Day, and now a good federal judge has ruled it unconstitutional, which proved that I was right all along. We have work to do, but we're well on our way to getting rid of all mention of religion and morals in the federal government."
10. Promote peace. "We haven't started any new wars since I took office, but our new policy of promoting peace through talking seems to be working because neither North Korea nor Iran has initiated a nuclear attack. We'll just keep threatening and talking to those two countries, and if that doesn't work, we'll do more talking and threatening, and we are committed to repeating that practice for decades if necessary."
Quote of the Day
"I consider it part of my responsibility as President of the United States to fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear." — Barack Obama