Oct. 13, 2011, Sacramento, CA — Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today warned married fathers nationwide to avoid hiring physically attractive maids, babysitters, nannies or insulation installers.

"If your wife is away and there's a pretty woman under your roof," he said, "you're asking for trouble."

"I tried cold showers," the former movie star said. "I read the Bible. I tried to think of my family and how much I loved my wife. But nothing seemed to work. The temptation of making a Terminator clone was irresistible."

Schwarzenegger said he was overjoyed when Baena and Shriver both told him they were pregnant in early 1997 until Baena admitted that she was unsure whether he was the father.

"She was cheating on me!" he said. "Who would cheat on the Terminator?"

When Baena declined to Terminate the pregnancy, Schwarzenegger said he insisted on naming her son Joseph after his Biblical hero, who fled the temptations of Potiphar's wife.

Shriver gave birth on Sept. 27, 1997, and Baena delivered a miniature Conan the Barbarian five days later. Shriver became suspicious when Joseph began doing crunches and pushups in his crib but continued to give her husband the benefit of the doubt even when the toddler started moving his own furniture at the age of 3.

When Schwarzenegger ran for governor in 2003, he found himself in a firestorm as six different women told reporters that he had groped them without permission. The candidate denied the allegations, saying he was a highly moral person.

In June his costar in Red Sonja, self-described Amazonian Brigitte Nielsen, revealed that she had an affair with Schwarzenegger when he was dating Shriver.

After Schriver filed for divorce, Schwarzenegger suddenly had total recall, admitting that he had a problem and checking into the same sexual addiction clinic that had treated Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump and John Edwards.

"Those bodybuilding supplements I was taking are to blame," the ex-governor said. "Until I got off that stuff, I was like a dog in heat."

Now he has promised to reveal select details in an autobiography to be published by Simon and Schuster. Titled Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story, the book will not be a "tell all," publicist Teller A. Lye said, ensuring that it will neither be true nor believable, let alone total.

Schwarzenegger has postponed a return to acting until his divorce is final, observers say, because California law would require him to share signing bonuses and possibly appearance fees.

Meanwhile, he has dedicated the image-saving Sperminator Museum in Austria, where fans adore him as "the number one body builder, the number one actor and the number one politician" despite his shortcomings.

The museum will display the first bodybuilding weights he hoisted as a toddler, 2,000 empty cans of bodybuilding supplements, an apparently empty jail cell that is said to hold the Predator, a re-creation of the school room where he displayed his comic talent in Kingergarten Cop, and lifesize wax statues of a dozen women with whom he is alleged to have had intimate contact.