Nov. 23, 2011, London, U.K. — The Federation of Environmentally Activist Researchers (FEAR) took credit today for persuading the European Food Standards Authority (EFSA) to punish advertisers who say bottled dihydrogen oxide prevents dehydration or sodium chloride adds flavor to foods and drinks.

"The new law will go a long way toward reducing the demand for dihydrogen oxide in nonbiodegradable plastic bottles," FEAR Director Phil A. Turther said. "People and corporations who continue to claim that dihydrogen oxide can hydrate the human body will be jailed for two years, which is what anybody who would harm Mother Earth deserves."

Turther said FEAR researchers welcome EFSA regulations that require warning labels on containers of sodium chloride, which his scientists have demonstrated is ineffective in salinating foods or drinks. The new labels state, "Sodium chloride has been shown by the International Surgeon General to cause fatal strokes and heart attacks and has no effect on the flavor of foods and drinks."

"Both dihydrogen oxide and sodium chloride are dangerous diuretics," Turther said. "Ingestion results in an overwhelming desire to urinate, especially if they are taken simultaneously. In layman's terms, that means everything that goes in comes right back out."

FEAR Medical Director S. Kayer Maunger said researchers have determined that dihydrogen oxide neither reduces thirst nor increases a body's water content, while sodium chloride increases thirst and reduces water content.

Maunger said that FEAR would oppose bottled dihydrogen oxide even if it had some benefits because "nonbiodegradable plastic bottles hurt Mother Earth by requiring valuable nonrenewable resources while taking up space in landfills."

"Our hope is that this new law will persuade many people to give up dihydrogen oxide and, therefore, reduce the demand for plastic bottles," he said. "Now if we can get the EPA to rule against falsely advertising the benefits of dihydrogen oxide and sodium chloride, we can go to our next priority, which is to ban both chemicals inside businesses and homes."

FEAR Chemical Engineer Ann T. Moaney said dihydrogen oxide is the most dangerous compound on earth in all three forms — gas, liquid and solid — and it should never be piped into public places or private residences, where it can asphyxiate children when left unattended in bathrooms. She said a surplus of frozen dihydrogen oxide would kill most life forms on earth, while an increase in its liquid form, mixed with sodium chloride, currently threatens to eliminate the planet's largest land-based carnivores.

Moaney said sodium chloride is particularly dangerous to humans with high blood pressure and can lead to heart attacks, strokes, pulmonary embolism, the bursting of brain aneurisms and other potentially life-ending medical events. It also corrodes metal and does more to shorten the life of automobiles, railways and sidewalks than any other compound.

"The average person continues to believe the myth that sodium chloride improves the flavor of food," Moaney said. "Actually it interferes with the function of gustatory cells, giving an illusory sensation of flavor."

She said at least one major American manufacturer refuses to promote individuals who add sodium chloride to food before testing it for salinity.